Parterapeut Martin Østergaard logo
Parterapeut Martin Østergaard logo

Afraid of Love

Er jeg bange for kærlighed

‘Afraid of Love’ is the name of a song by the band Toto, who are probably best known for their songs ‘Africa’, ‘Roseanna’, and ‘Hold The Line’. The song from my youth is about meeting love that makes you afraid because the love is not reciprocated. And it is understandable that unhappy love can break your heart.

Paralyzing happy love

But in fact, happy love can make you even more insecure and anxious. You can become afraid of love because the feelings become so strong that you lose the control you usually have over yourself. You can become afraid that there is something seriously wrong with you when you are paralyzed by anxiety.

Love opens closed doors

In my experience, strong and reciprocated love and infatuation can be so intense and euphoric that it opens closed rooms in the mind. In the midst of feeling that a person is getting closer to you in a more wonderful way than ever before, you can also become anxious in a more violent way than you have ever experienced before.

Why do you become afraid

What is happening? Well, maybe you become more afraid of losing than ever before, because you have never felt such a strong connection. Maybe love and infatuation scrape away the top of your defenses, so you clearly feel betrayal and anxiety from your past. Will history repeat itself? Can I count on you?

Unfamiliar with love

You can come to react completely allergic to love because it is so violent. But also on the harmony and sense of happiness in love. You can be so unfamiliar with strong, positive feelings or feelings of joy, peace and tranquility, that you come to create drama and chaos. It is so difficult to contain all the good news that you create anxiety to feel more ‘secure’.

Hard to believe in love

If your dreams and hopes have been torn apart too often in your life, you may find it difficult to believe in love, even if there is nothing you would rather do. You may start to criticize and betray to test love. You can withdraw and become distant. Based on the motto: You probably don’t love me and you’re going to leave me soon, so I might as well be a little sharp and on guard or distant and cool.

Will I get through the anxiety

How do you move on? The first step is to be aware that you are anxious and overworked. And that it doesn’t just go away. Unless you are good at suppressing emotions and don’t realize that they show up in other disguises in the relationship. Awareness of one’s inner anxiety is emotional first aid and self-care. You must accept that the closer you invite others, the greater the likelihood that they will betray and hurt you.

Crisis creates development

And then crises are good for your personal development. Even though it is difficult to see and celebrate when you are most affected and in your knees. It is always a good idea to talk to someone about your situation (said the psychotherapist). It usually makes a big difference to sort out events, thoughts, and feelings. To say it out loud. And to get someone else’s impression and input.

Give the anxiety care

Vulnerability and anxiety are not always bad. It helps you stay sharp and attentive to both your own and others’ needs. You should treat your vulnerability and anxiety with respect. It protects you in everyday life. Be patient with it. It is not you, but an important message to you. The message goes like this: ‘Do you want to risk your fur or wait until you are more secure?’ And both are equally important when it comes to your personal development.

You are always welcome to make an appointment with me as an individual or as a couple. Maybe in order to deal with some of the issues mentioned above.


And if you would like to see and hear a version of Toto’s ‘Afraid of Love’ here is a concert version from 2003 on YouTube.


Skrevet af: Martin

9. september 2023

Måske kan du også lide….

Ingen resultater fundet

Siden du anmodede om kunne ikke findes. Prøv at præciser din søgning, eller brug navigationen ovenfor til at lokalisere indlægget.